something I wrote a while back

2/1/06

Master has commanded me to write a bit about how these new experiences have made me feel. I am not really sure where to begin. All I know is that when Master says I must do something, I had better not disappoint him or I will get a spanking… Shhh! Don’t tell anyone, but I kind of like the spanking, because after he spanks me, he always rubs right where he spanked and that always make it feel so much better.

1st and foremost I love the way that master now pays attention to me all of the time now.

We have been together for so long that I had thought that perhaps he had lost interest in me both sexily as well as in our relationship. My fear was and still is that we would soon be doomed for the lawyer’s office. We talk about that sometimes and how we would split every thing up he would of course get the house, well at least the 100 grand that he originally put into it and I would walk away with ½ of the equity and ½ of the sale price. But really does that put me back at my Mom’s house  that is way to over crowded as it is.

You see in the past few years we have pretty much just been having sex to procreate and that is all, we watch for when I am ovulating and then we have sex. Master most of the time could not even come when he was facing me. There have been a few times when I am “late” and I know that makes master very upset with me, because I know that he wants this. I really don’t know what is wrong with my body, perhaps master and I are not meant to have a baby. And we are all we get is each other for the rest of our lives. I think that I could do that, but I know in my heart I know that is what master wants in life. He talks about whose home office we would turn into a babies room, he has rescind to the fact that his office would become the babies room. I would gladly give up my office to him, if we had a baby. I hardly am ever in my office anyways.

The pressure is so great upon me to have a child that sometimes it really overwhelms me. I wish everyone would just stop all of the pressure and quit asking me when I am going to have a baby. Or as one friends keeps asking “pregnant yet”. Sometimes I want to ask her “married yet?” However, I don’t want to upset her by asking that, well because I guess I am a good friend or perhaps, I am just to submissive to tell her my true feelings.

Before these past few months, I knew that master was looking at a lot of porn on his computer, maybe he was even chatting about it on it too. I don’t know. I think I just ignoring what was going on it our relationship because I didn’t quite know how to deal with it. Maybe I was just happy that he was home with me and that we weren’t getting a divorce. I know guys get lonely and I know that there are girls out there that will “chat” with them about things and have them perform stuff. But was Master doing this I have no idea. If he was he was not paying for it on his credit cards, I am the one that see the credit card bills, so I know that master is not paying for it.

Now with the introduction of all the things that we have been doing of late, I find myself excited to know that Master wants me and that I can give him what he wants I only wish that I could try everything that he is asking me to do. I know that there is much more that he would like to try, but right now I am pretty scared by it all. I consider myself to be very open-minded about stuff. But am I doing everything that master wants me to do? I am sure that I am not. Don’t get me wrong I completely trust Master and know that he will not hurt me, I just really worry that what I am doing is not enough. We have had sex pretty much 3-4 times a week for the last few weeks, we haven’t had this much sex since we were in our 20’s.

Flipping out

After such a lovely weekend.... :( I ruined the memory of it by my flipping out. I am so sorry Master.

I flipped out! Flipping out last night was not a pretty site I know that. I have learned from many years with Master that I do not like to be blindfolded and then reading some of the stuff that he had "suggest" me to read didn't help much either, I should learn not to follow all of the links on a page. It was on the sensual submissive webpage.

I read this one blog that was about a sub whose Master grew tired of her after some time and left her. it was really upsetting to me and it got me to think if my Master could leave me, then if he did what would I do. Could I even function with out him in this world, the answer is NO aside for the D/s stuff on a daily bases I could not function with out him. I was so hurt, and that hurt turned to anger, I use anger as a shield, it is just part of me. I can't explain it really.

Long story short, there was a lot of yelling and crying and I am so very sorry Master for my out burst.

I love you and I love my new montra that you gave me.

I love my Master and my Master loves me
I trust my Master and my Master trusts me
My Master pleasure is my pleasure
I respect my Master and my Master respects me.

Please keep loving me anyway that you can, I can not bare a life with out you. I will try to be a good slave and keep you happy. What ever you need from me to keep what we have together going I will do for you, use my mind, body and soul any way that you need to for your pleasure. I am yours forever.


PS the make up sex was wonderful.

Continuance

A New Task

"This week, since you have bookmarked some of the blogs that interested you, you will follow those blogs on a daily basis. I want you to read through them as much as you can. You are allowed to post a comment or two to any of the blogs postings that you feel you might be able to contribute to, or if you have a particular question to that poster regarding that post that you wish to have clarified. Remember, you are in information gathering mode here.

If you do post, I expect to have your comment emailed to me so I can see that you are acting properly. You are mine. As such, your actions online reflect upon me. Plus I also wanna see what you posted!

In a few weeks time, I will give you a survey to take. Listed on that survey will be all sorts of kinks and items of interest, that you will rate according to your interest level in trying them or not (some will be scary--not gonna do that! No way! No how! ONION!). Because you will have been reading up on these things with the blogs, and online resources, as well as the books we have at home, I do not expect you to be asking me questions every other minute on "what's this mean?".

The survey will let me see just how much you have learned, as well as letting your Master know, now that you have become more informed, what areas you are interested in exploring.

Each night, I will ask you about your readings. This will be the time that you and I can discuss them, thoughts, questions, revelations, etc. Perhaps even try a few things out that you read from someone else's blog!

~Master"

Amazing weekend

W/we had a amazing week and it continued throughout the weekend. Thank you Master.

:) still happy from last night

Last night when we came home from work, it was really quite incredible. As I was changing out of my work clothes, Master was getting into his "master's outfit". I had been bad, I had ice cream without Master's permission. What started as punishment last night, became intense pleasure for both of us. last night was just wonderful, we did some new things, some old things, some just really incredible things.

Thank you Master for allowing me such wonderful pleasure last night.

Thoughts of the day

I was just reading another subs journal. I have not read many others before and I just felt so drawn to this one, the sub in it was so mournful, so longing for their Master's touch. I have my master every day and I take it for granted that master will always be there. I could not live with out master in my life everyday, where I could reach out and touch him in the middle of the night when a noise frightens me.

I see now that I am not sub enough. I don't please master as I should. I should be greatfull for the time that he allows to sweetly torture me and do as he pleases when he pleases it.

W/we are not 24/7, but I could do more. He wants more, he has mentioned lately that certain days of the week should be given to him, Tuesday should be pleasuring master day with my mouth and Wednesday should be pleasuring master in other ways. Am I really ready for a schedule like that? I will try to be.

My montra

I love my master and my master loves me.
I trust my master and my master trusts me.
My masters pleasure is my pleasure.

Master's Knottygirl

Master suggested I write a blog of my own to express my feeling on what this relationship means to me. So as my 1st entry here it goes.