something I wrote a while back

2/1/06

Master has commanded me to write a bit about how these new experiences have made me feel. I am not really sure where to begin. All I know is that when Master says I must do something, I had better not disappoint him or I will get a spanking… Shhh! Don’t tell anyone, but I kind of like the spanking, because after he spanks me, he always rubs right where he spanked and that always make it feel so much better.

1st and foremost I love the way that master now pays attention to me all of the time now.

We have been together for so long that I had thought that perhaps he had lost interest in me both sexily as well as in our relationship. My fear was and still is that we would soon be doomed for the lawyer’s office. We talk about that sometimes and how we would split every thing up he would of course get the house, well at least the 100 grand that he originally put into it and I would walk away with ½ of the equity and ½ of the sale price. But really does that put me back at my Mom’s house  that is way to over crowded as it is.

You see in the past few years we have pretty much just been having sex to procreate and that is all, we watch for when I am ovulating and then we have sex. Master most of the time could not even come when he was facing me. There have been a few times when I am “late” and I know that makes master very upset with me, because I know that he wants this. I really don’t know what is wrong with my body, perhaps master and I are not meant to have a baby. And we are all we get is each other for the rest of our lives. I think that I could do that, but I know in my heart I know that is what master wants in life. He talks about whose home office we would turn into a babies room, he has rescind to the fact that his office would become the babies room. I would gladly give up my office to him, if we had a baby. I hardly am ever in my office anyways.

The pressure is so great upon me to have a child that sometimes it really overwhelms me. I wish everyone would just stop all of the pressure and quit asking me when I am going to have a baby. Or as one friends keeps asking “pregnant yet”. Sometimes I want to ask her “married yet?” However, I don’t want to upset her by asking that, well because I guess I am a good friend or perhaps, I am just to submissive to tell her my true feelings.

Before these past few months, I knew that master was looking at a lot of porn on his computer, maybe he was even chatting about it on it too. I don’t know. I think I just ignoring what was going on it our relationship because I didn’t quite know how to deal with it. Maybe I was just happy that he was home with me and that we weren’t getting a divorce. I know guys get lonely and I know that there are girls out there that will “chat” with them about things and have them perform stuff. But was Master doing this I have no idea. If he was he was not paying for it on his credit cards, I am the one that see the credit card bills, so I know that master is not paying for it.

Now with the introduction of all the things that we have been doing of late, I find myself excited to know that Master wants me and that I can give him what he wants I only wish that I could try everything that he is asking me to do. I know that there is much more that he would like to try, but right now I am pretty scared by it all. I consider myself to be very open-minded about stuff. But am I doing everything that master wants me to do? I am sure that I am not. Don’t get me wrong I completely trust Master and know that he will not hurt me, I just really worry that what I am doing is not enough. We have had sex pretty much 3-4 times a week for the last few weeks, we haven’t had this much sex since we were in our 20’s.